Stripped [One]

All these changes since I've been gone! Anyways, I'm putting Wounded aside because that's still too personal for me to unravel. For the mean time, I've started a new story called Stripped. The chapters are long because, well they're chapters and really short chapters annoy me [:< So, it does need a lot of tweaking and any revisions would be amazingly wonderful. I do return favors, as well.

I felt my hands grip the steering wheel tighter and tighter as I drove away from the little diner on the corner of 48th street. I choked on the tears that swelled in my crystal blue eyes, the little balls of salt water feeling like heavy glass dragging down when one escaped. My two front teeth clung to my bottom lip that quivered with each heart beat that pounded my chest into pieces. I’ve never felt such sadness enter my entire body in under thirty seconds. I slammed on the breaks when I realized I almost ran a red light at an intersection. I fell back against my seat and sighed, pushing my brown hair back, thinking of the past events that just took place.

I was pulling into the diner for work when I saw my fiancé, Clay, sitting in the window at a table in the back. My heart jumped at this sudden surprise and I quickly grabbed my purse and ran out of the car. It was a dark cloudy day in the small town, giving me a moody feeling in the first place, but seeing Clay look so gloom at the table by himself really made me down. I knew that look and it wasn’t good. I nodded to Diane, the chef, in the back and walked over to Clay.

“Well, hi.” I smiled as I sat down in front of him. I pushed my chestnut hair behind my ears as it draped over my shoulders. Clay quickly looked at me and started to smile but stopped. He was there, but his eyes and mind were elsewhere. “Clay? You okay?” I reached out my hand across the table to his but he leaned back just in time. I felt rejected and pulled back my hands into my lap.

“I don’t want to have to do this, but I’m going to because I’d rather say it to you.” He looked up at me through those dark eyelashes that went on for eternity. I nodded, not knowing what was coming but afraid of how it would end. I couldn’t look at him, so I looked out at the small, old city that lazily passed by before my eyes.

“Okay.” I said quietly, feeling my insides turn. I fidgeted with the ring on my finger that sparkled in the light, the one I’d wake up and stare at for hours and smile big. The one that meant that someone loved me and wanted to be with me.

“What did you feel when I asked you to marry me? Be honest.” He leaned into the table, looking at me with honest eyes.

“Uhm, well,” I tried to collect my thoughts, thinking back to that day. It was on St. Patrick’s Day and we were on a roof top of this small colonial city at a party. He took me to one end of the roof top and that’s where he got on one knee under the full moon to explain to me that he could see himself with me. I smiled and looked back up, “I felt really lucky. Really happy, I love you so much and it proved that someone felt the same for me.” I smiled up at Clay, but his expression was anything else but happy. “Why?”

“Well… that’s the thing. I don’t feel I made the right decision…” He looked down. I couldn’t say anything, I wanted to hear the rest but I knew what was coming. I closed my eyes and tried to calm my breathing, thinking reasonable. “I love you, I really do but lately I don’t feel a connection to you. At all. I hoped that maybe when I asked you to marry me, things would change and we would be like we use to be but things have only gotten worse-”

Before he could say anymore to destroy me, I pulled off the ring and put it on the table, trying not to make a scene. He didn’t say anything but gape at me as I got up and walked through the diner. I looked at Diane who saw me try and hold back my tears and nodded for me to go as I passed the counter. I ran out of the diner and to my car now sitting at the stop light.

I heard car horns behind me and I sat up to take my foot off the break and continue to drive far from away the diner. I drove past the building where Clay proposed, the bench where we first met, the café that he first told me he liked me and the lake where we first made love. By the time I reached home and passed by each memory, I was in tears again.

I pushed open the door of my little white Mazda and slammed it shut without looking back. I walked into the house and went straight into my room. Stepping in there, the presence of Clay filled the air and I had to hold onto the dresser top to hold myself up as I burst into harder tears. I slid against the wall and held my stomach as it churned and ripped to pieces. I let my mouth fall open as I cried, taking a deep breath and trying to hold myself together. I felt that if I let go I’d fall even harder apart.

“Maggie? Is that you?” I heard my older sister call from the hallway. I reached my foot across the floor to close the door shut.

“Yeah, Lauren.” I sniffed, blinking the tears out of my eyes.

“You sure?” She asked, knocking on my door. I pressed my hand against the white wood to stop her from entering.

“Yes, I’m sure. I just need to be alone right now.” I said back solemnly. I heard her tiny footsteps fade against the creaky hardwood floors of our old colonial home. I turned back to lean against the dresser and look out the window, I was in so much pain. This room smelled of him, he was just hear last night. I don’t get it, what happened? I never felt a distance, I never felt anything. I was so happy, for the longest time.

I pulled myself off the floor and walked to the bathroom to look in the mirror. My eyes were puffy against my red face. The white around my iris’ were bloodshot and my lips were puffy. My silky hair was all tangled and I couldn’t stop quivering. My body was shaking.

Clay meant so much to me. It’s not just the fact that he called off the relationship weeks after proposing, but more so the fact of how many times I’ve been hurt in my life time.

I stripped naked of my clothes and pulled on a big t-shirt and shorts, a pair of slippers and walked into the common room of the upstairs. I sat on the couch and turned on the TV to distract my thoughts.

It was no use, I thought of everything. I had no one left but Lauren. My mother was raped when she had Lauren and pregnant by her high school sweet heart when she had me so technically Lauren’s my half sister and looks nothing like me. Our mother left us with our grandmother when I was just eight years old and my grandmother died a few years back when I just entered being a senior in high school. Lauren was in college by then and was able to take care of me, but it was still hard.

When I graduated, Lauren and I moved closer to the college I was at so that I wouldn’t be on my own and that’s where I met Clay. We’ve been together since I was a freshman, and now that I’m done with college I feel that him and Lauren were the only ones I had.

I pulled my knees close to my chest and curled my toes, hoping that the tighter I tensed my body the less pain I would feel; it was useless. My left ring finger felt naked without the ring, and I felt worthless without Clay. I fell onto the couch and instead of crying, I just held my stomach and squint my eyes, the trust that I held into people for so long running out.

I’ve always had a hard time trusting people my whole life. Everyone I let in never really knew me, and those who did ended up hurting me the most. Clay told me he’d never hurt me, that I should open up to him because he would never damage my trust. That promise that made me love him so much was now crushed and I felt it so fiercely within me. With all the internal screaming I was doing inside of my mind, I didn’t even come to think of Lauren finding me.

I felt her rush to my side and rub my arm, pushing the hair strands that got into my crying mouth or eyes out of the way. “Mags, shh, come on calm down and tell me what’s wrong.” she repeated over and over as I buried my head into my elbow, letting quiet tears fall. She pushed me up and let me lean on her shoulder, her tiny body a good uphold of my broken one.

“Clay ended the relationship.” I whispered, my fingers tapping unsteady beats against my lips.

“Oh Maggie,” I felt her skinny arms grab hold of me tighter, “I’m entirely sorry to hear that. What happened?” She asked.

“He said we were distant.” I sniffed, looking at the commercial adds that flashed across the muted TV. “I don’t get it, we didn’t seem distant, did we?” I looked up at her.

“No, you didn’t. He, well, he did.” Lauren looked at me with her big, green sorry eyes. Lauren was a fairy like child. She was always five foot exactly since she turned sixteen with short pixie like red hair. Her green eyes were big and almond shaped and I believe that the only resemblance we have is that we both have narrow faces that we got from our mother.

“He did?” I got up and looked at her. My long brown hair was falling everywhere and I had to keep pushing it back.

“He just never seemed interested. Never… connected.” She was trying to make me feel better, but I just found myself crying harder because of the fact that Clay had said the same thing. Lauren rubbed my back as I fell onto her lap, my shoulders bouncing from the crying.

+

“Come on Maggie, it’s been a week. We need to talk about this, I didn’t just want you out of my life-” I pressed the erase button at the end of that sentence on the answering machine and continued to twist my long hair with a chopstick to form a bun. I stuck it through my hair so that it held tight and walked into my closet to pull out an outfit.

Living in a colonial home meant everything was small, narrow and cramped. This past week, all I felt was that I knew everyone around me in this small town and everyone knew everything that happened. The reason I’m so lonely is because I already know everyone and none of them interest me except for Clay and Lauren. So I decided that maybe what I needed was a new environment, a change from what I’m always use to: small towns with a long history. I wanted something different, big, loud and outgoing and I knew exactly where it was: California.

“Maggie, this is a drastic change. Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Lauren fallowed me around the home as I tried to gather things to pack. “Maybe you should call Clay back. Within a week, you two could get back together!”

“Lauren, I understand little fights and ones where tell them to back off for a while, but calling off an engagement isn’t just something you make up in a week.” I explained to her as I gathered my shoes from the closet by the front door.

“Well, are you sure you want to move all the way to California? That’s so far away - what if I need you? You’ll be all the way on the other side of the country!” She hollered from below the steps as I trudged up them with my belongings.

“That’s the point, Lauren. I’ll be away from everyone that knows me. I get a whole new chance to meet new people and a new life style, I need to, I don’t know - reinvent myself!” I yelled back as I stuffed everything in a big suitcase.

“Well, reinvent yourself somewhere closer! How about New York? That’s a city, that’s different! It’s also just a six hour drive from here.” She tried to convince me as she leaned against the banister of the hallway.

“No. I know people in New York and as slight as the chance might be to see them, I still don’t want to take chances. I want to be somewhere where there is no chance I know anyone!” I smiled at her, liking the idea more and more as I explained it out loud.

“Well, California is not the place for that then…” Lauren murmured quietly as she started to walk down the stairs. I chased her out in the hallway to ask her what she meant by that. “I just know someone out in California.” She responded. I followed her down the stairs slowly and into the kitchen where she removed the tea pot off the stove.

“Who do you know in California?” I asked, standing next to her as she mixed around the tea bags.

“Mags, I was fourteen when mom left. I wasn’t eight and I did understand her reasoning and I did know where she was going. I just never made it a point to contact her - she wasn’t healthy and she doesn’t think straight-”

“-Wait. You know where mom is? You’ve known where Mom is? And you had no point to inform me until now when I’m about to move? So what, if I just stayed here for the rest of my life you wouldn’t have ever told me?” I now yelled at her as she poured tea into a tea cup.

“It’s not like that!” She raised her voice back at me, “You don’t want to know mom, she’s not a good person.” Lauren frantically raised her hands in the air.

“Does it make a difference? Maybe she’s changed, maybe she wants a second chance!” I looked at her with disbelief. Sometimes I felt like the older sister when we fought since I was taller and I could yell down at her. Lauren always remained calm and I always got hectic.

“A second chance? If she wanted a second chance she would have came back, but she never did, did she! No! She didn’t, she left us with our dying grandmother and went on off to California to forget about us, Maggie. Don’t defend her - you don’t even know her!” She screamed, now in tears. I couldn’t say anything back, especially to her last sentence. She was right, I didn’t know her and I couldn’t defend her. Lauren wiped her tears and paced by me with her tea in her hands. I walked upstairs to continue packing, giving her time to cool down.

+

Later on when I was done packing, I walked down the stairs and onto the front porch where Lauren sat cris-crossed on the bench swing, an untouched tea cup resting in her hands. She looked sad and lonely. I walked over to sit down next to her and I put my arm around her shoulder. She collapsed onto me and we sat like that for a little while, swinging.

“I’m really sorry.” She sat up, patting out her cotton white dress.

“I’m sorry, too. I should have listened to you - you knew her better.” I smiled at her, pulling my hair out of the chopstick bun. My hair fell like a silk cloth onto my shoulder.

“Mom was only fourteen when she had me, you know? She was twenty when she had you. It’s tough to understand that in the long run - she just never wanted us. I guess I hold that against her but maybe it wasn’t that she didn’t want us, she probably just couldn’t take care of us correctly. Who knows, but I think that you should go to California and while your there, find Mom for me.” Lauren smiled at me with her perfectly straight white teeth and I smiled back. “So when do you leave?” She asked, getting up as it started to rain out on the front lawn.

“I’m thinking tomorrow night. I’ll empty out my bank account and head out there. I’ll probably get some shitty apartment or maybe I’ll get a roommate.” I thought out loud. “This way, I can also finally pursue my career in psychology.” I shrugged.

“I’m happy for you, Mags. I hope you’ll be happy out there.” Lauren drained her cold tea down the sink drain and washed out the cup.

“Thanks, I’m happy too. So, what are you cooking for dinner?” I asked as she buried herself in the fridge.

“Steak!” She chirped as she pulled out the frozen steaks and threw them on the counter. “I know you’re not really into it but I have to get rid of them before they go bad.”

“That’s fine. My last dinner here, it better be good.” I winked as I walked upstairs to take a shower.

+

The morning of my departing was a beautiful one. It was bright and sunny, not a cloud in the sky and the weather was wonderful. It made me happy to know that today I would be able to get out of this town.

My sky blue, boxy room was now empty. Everything was packed and in boxes. I decided to leave Lauren the furniture incase she wanted a roommate one day and she obliged, but I ignored her.

I walked to my carry on suitcase that I stuck today’s outfit in so that I wouldn’t have to dig through packed clothes. I pulled out jean cut offs and a tank top. I slipped them on and tugged on my old chucks that have been through the worst. I looked at my glossy brown hair in the mirror and decided to leave it down. After all the makeup was on and I was ready to start bringing down all my luggage, the doorbell rang.

“Mags!” I heard Lauren call my name and a skipped down the steps and at the bottom I instantly stopped. Clay stood there, his buzzed black hair grown out, his farmers tan worse than what it use to be as he wore a muscle shirt and his arms looked bigger. His aviators hid his chocolate eyes but I could see his mouth as it was arched down in the corners, he was distressed.

Lauren walked back into the living room to continue watching TV as I walked closer to him. He engrossed me into a bear hug as I got close enough. I was nice enough to hug him back, but not as tight as he did. I pulled away and stepped back to close the door.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, looking at Lauren from the corner of my eye as I knew she was spying.

“I made a mistake, I want you back.” It rushed out of his plump lips that I use to love to kiss. That sentence hit me like a shock wave.

“Oh, so now it’s what you want.” I was almost a bit angry to hear him say that. All I needed to do was accept he didn’t want me to get him to come back.

“No, it’s not like that. I don’t want to be engaged yet, but I don’t want you out of my life. I want to be more than friends, I want to be able to talk to you all day and night and be happy when you smile at me.” He laced his hands into mine as I stared at him in disbelief.

“Clay,” I looked off to the side, burrowing my eyebrows, “I can’t do that. I can’t be put in that situation again, I can’t be stuck here.”

“Is that how you feel? That you’re stuck here?” He asked with sorrowful eyes.

“Clay you’re too late-”

“-Mags, don’t do this.” He cute me off.

“Clay, stop. You’re too late. I’m moving… today! I’ve been packing all week and today I leave, I have a plane to catch in an hour.” I pushed his hands off mine.

“Maggie! You’re moving because of a break up? Don’t you think that’s kind of childish.” I heard Lauren walk over to help defend me but I was able to take care of this myself.

“You have no right.” I said through clenched teeth. “I can’t love you again, I can’t even trust you!” I started to walk up the stairs. I could hear his heavy breathing as I go closer to the top.

“Well, then where are you going?” He asked from down below as Lauren opened the door for him to leave.

“Far from here.” I called out, not looking back. I didn’t want him in my life anymore. Sure, I loved him but I wasn’t ready to start talking to him or anything. I didn’t want to fall head over heals for him again, I didn’t want to be stuck in this town. What if I rushed it? No. I needed time.

I heard the front door close after a few whispers and I sat down on my bed and looked out the window as he walked down the small pathway to his truck. He stopped and turned around to look up at me as one last goodbye, but I just looked away and got up. I walked over to the bureau and glanced at the piece of gold that hung around my neck. It was a necklace Clay gave me in my Senior year of college. I ripped it off and let it fall onto the dresser. That was my final last goodbye to him.